I went for a smoke this afternoon at our apartment balcony and nothing thrilled me except this piece of cloud in the sky. I went to look around and realized it's the only cloud floating from my 180degree view. I watched it run across the sky. How it manages to enjoy himself alone, without anything to bump or join with. But upon its enjoyment, it learns to scatter itself across the sky and occupy as much as it can, although it's just like 2% of the total sky capacity. Running and scattering further, it turns out it is losing it's essence, its value, itself. After 5 minutes or so of looking at it, it suddenly loses everything and finally, not a bit of it can be seen by my naked eye.
It's funny how this cloud affects me so much, it affects me how it gave me a realization - i'm like the cloud. Alone, not with somebody. I thought it was fun at first, but I suddenly came to my senses that I'm starting to scatter and wander around. How it feels like to be on every corner knowing that no one will bump with me or join me and get a part of me. It's true, it fun at first. AT FIRST. But when I come to realize that my thoughts are shattering, my body is shattering, my life is devasted, I never knew that being with somebody else doesnt always mean suffocation or losing a part of you. You lose a flake of your dead skin cell when you hug, you lose a saliva when you kiss, you lose a sperm when you have sex, but it's never fun to lose everything with nobody.
I always thought I was the bold one, the independent guy, the one who can always live alone and can stay alive without depending on others. I always employ that personality. But i honestly cant. It's freedom, you surely bet it is. But its not permanently fun. At some point, there's a realization that people, like clouds, are ment to be with someone. Friends, family, lover. Those old piece of crap that seemed to get a grip on your neck and strangle you, like them nagging about your responsibilities and obligations, are things that you'll miss when you travel alone. I suddenly realized that getting your freedom is not exactly the same as being alone. Coz with freedom comes happiness and being alone doesn't make most of the people, if not all of them, be happy.
I take a mental note to myself, although I'm kind of in a state of emotional illness right now that remembering this kind of note would take time, that I will find the cloud that I wanna lose a part of me with and enjoy every second of it looking how my cloud pair/s enjoyed being with me and maintain my body unscattered across the sky.
